We're excited to share our conversation with Emyr Payne.

With the release of his debut novel, 50 Reasons to Live, published 22 September with Barnard Publishing, Emyr sat down with us to discuss why he writes (and, just as importantly reads), his advice for other writers, what’s next, and more.

What’s one thing about writing everyone should know?

Writing is hard and isn’t romantic in any way. You have to choose to live your life a certain way, away from the norm, effectively isolating yourself from the status quo. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own immediate happiness for the words on the page. But if that life is right for you, the personal rewards are huge. You can leave your mark on the world in a way that other people can’t. You can say something that deserves the space on the page, and give others the gift of knowing, feeling and understanding something new about the world.

Why do you write?

I write because I have to express myself and for whatever reason, I don’t feel that I can express myself in the ways most people do in everyday life. I feel like I can’t communicate who I really am to others in daily situations like work, social interactions and leisure activities. I can’t give myself wholly to life in any ‘normal’ way, and so I have to find another way to make sense of who I am and where I fit in this world. My ultimate goal is to connect with others through my writing, something I am only just starting to experience as a debut novelist. When I find a book that speaks to me in a personal way, it feels like the author is giving me their authentic selves and it makes me feel less alone in the world; writing is my way of trying to give someone else that same experience.

What do you hope your readers take away from 50 Reasons to Live?

That we are all just humans, trying our best to navigate and survive this fucked up world. It’s okay to be ill, to be overwhelmed, to be angry, sad and exhausted. But it is also okay to be happy, even in the face of so much heartache. I know when someone is depressed, hearing someone else say these things doesn’t register. When you aren’t happy and you hear other people who are seemingly happy trying to persuade you to be happy, you just want to withdraw even more. I hope this book gives both hope but also understanding and recognition of this.

What do you think you’ve learned about yourself through writing that you might not have discovered otherwise?

That I am resilient and worthy of my own goals. It’s also taught me to trust myself. I stuck by the act of writing, mostly in secret, purely because it felt right. If I hadn’t, I would be living a life that isn’t right for me, and I’d probably be even more confused about the world than I already am. I had to write alongside work, studies, family life and all the rest. And I’ve worked jobs that go way beyond the standard forty hours a week, jobs that carry significant emotional and psychological baggage. But, I still came home and found time to write and submit and read. That in itself is an achievement, regardless of how well my writing is ultimately received.

What advice would you give to emerging writers looking to get published?

The first thing you have to do is read. And you have to read all the time. You have to know where your work fits amongst what is already out there, and the only way to do that is to read. So, you basically have to love reading, maybe even more than life itself, otherwise you won’t have the heart to read enough. The second thing you have to do is live. I really do feel that in mainstream literature there are not enough diverse voices, and although I think this is getting better, the current system of publishing still favours those who have followed a specific path, mainly attended university to complete an English degree, followed by a master’s in creative writing, and some experience, maybe interning at an agency for example. This is an overgeneralisation I know, but you get my point. 

This path is only open to a few, and if you ask me, doing a degree in how to write isn’t living; it’s just learning. I guess what I’m saying is, you don’t have to necessarily follow that path if it isn’t open to you. I am far more interested in what a plumber or a teacher has to say than someone with a first class degree in creative writing. You learn so much more about the world and about people and what motivates us all by going out and getting a job. Experience something. It doesn’t even have to be dramatic. Just put yourself in different shoes and see what happens. That’s where the good stuff comes from.

Thirdly I would do away with any notions of getting that elusive book deal with a big advance and riding off into the sunset with your notice in your hand. Be prepared for years of struggle and failure, and when something does eventually happen, you’ll have to carry on working to pay the bills. There are exceptions to this rule I know. I think the whole Fuccboi situation with Sean Thor Conroe was pretty wild, especially given the type of book it is, but for the most part things like that don’t happen. It doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but for most of us, it doesn’t. This is okay though. It means the people who write are the people who should write because we do it for love. We do it because we have to, regardless of the odds. If you don’t feel like that, stop.

What are some of your favourite books or authors?

When I was growing up I loved Roald Dahl and the Adrian Mole series. As a teenager I read pretty much nothing, and would have considered the very idea of reading a novel an insult to who I thought I was. I can’t remember what prompted it, but when I was about seventeen I started getting back into it and worked my way through my parents’ collection. I remember loving George Orwell, Philip Larkin and Sylvia Plath especially. 

When I went to uni to study sociology, I started finding my own stuff, which was mostly American, and I have always felt more connected to American prose. I like the immediacy of it. For me, the words hit the page with more force. The beats were a big thing for me, especially Kerouac. His spontaneous prose approach to writing really shaped the way I write my own novels. Before him, I didn’t know people wrote fiction about their actual lives with factual accuracy, and it was my first real taste of such a popular writer who wrote with such literary beauty. I really can’t stress how significant he was to me. And of course, Bukowski really changed everything, especially his poetry. I found an old Black Sparrow Press edition of You get so alone at times that it just makes sense, and it was the first poetry collection I read from cover to cover. Until then, I didn’t know poetry could read like prose and be accessible and meaningful at the same time. I got really into Norwegian and Swedish literature in my late twenties off the back of Karl Ove Knausgaard, again because the sparse, punchy prose style really appealed to me; Knut Hamsun was a big influence especially. 

I’ve been really tapping into the underground scene lately. Independent publishing is so much more interesting in general. I discovered Sam Pink about a year ago (late to the game, I know) and he absolutely floored me. I bought every single book of his I could find and read each one in quick succession. He’s an absolute genius, and is the closest thing (or person) to Kafka we have right now. In short, some big hitters for me are Kerouac, Buk, Hamsun, Knausgaard, Salinger and Pink. My favourite novel of all time is No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai. When I read that book for the first time I felt so connected to it I literally wanted to hug it, but I didn’t because that would be weird. As far as most modern mainstream literature goes, I’m not interested. Last time I went to Waterstones I browsed for ages and came out with Zola. Having said that, Gabriel Krauze getting shortlisted for the booker prize does give me some hope. Sorry for rambling, that’s a loaded question.

What inspired you to write 50 Reasons to Live?

It was a crazy time. I had been pretty depressed and anxious, needing time off work and I had just finished therapy. A few weeks after my last session I wrote the first draft in three weeks. It literally poured out of me, and really felt like I was shedding skin. I was high for weeks afterwards. I am a learning disability nurse, but I have also worked in mental health services. At the time I was linking in with schools, supporting teachers with their own mental health and giving advice on concerns they might have had for their pupils. I remember there was one school that had suffered a pupil suicide the year before, and that really floored me. I just couldn’t get my head around it somehow. A few years before, a colleague who I also considered a friend had committed suicide and I think that’s why I ended up writing about it in the book. I hope I’ve done the subject justice. I hope reading the book helps somebody some day. Writing it certainly helped me.

What’s next for you?

I’m constantly writing; I don’t know what to do with it all. At the moment I have one novel called Binge Drinker which is basically about graduating into the 2008 recession as a millennial. It’s currently still in draft-mode and needs a lot of work to get it up to scratch. I also have two novellas, two poetry collections and I’ve just started working on a new novel about fertility. I’m also a photographer, something I’ve been neglecting lately. I’ve been getting the itch again so I’m looking forward to expressing myself visually again. I guess I really should prioritise re-drafting everything I’ve got so I can start sending them out, but for now I have to focus on 50 Reasons to Live and doing all I can to get the word out.

In sixteen-year-old Jason Stone’s world, there is death, self-harm and infidelity, but there are also 50 reasons to live. His girlfriend Lucy commits suicide and leaves him a collection of letters. In these letters he finds out why she died and why he should survive. Through Jason’s diary entries spanning the summer of 2023, he gives us a different reason to live each day. A story of loss and hope, 50 Reasons to Live is a call to arms for anyone who is struggling and looking for a reason to go on.

‘Jason starts reading a stack of letters she wrote to him. In them, he finds 1 reason to die and 50 reasons to live.’